Esme's In Show
by The Lightning Knight
Summary: Esme hosts her own show about what's In, and what's Out. But for some reason, crazy things keep happening. WARNING: Contains sad, dreadful things such as horrible outfits, babies with fake cigars, evil villains, and spicy beefjerky.
1. Esme: Beef Stick Master

Disclaimer: I do not own ASOUE. If I did, I wouldn't be writing a fanfiction about it when I could make it canon.

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Announcer Guy: And now, presenting the one, the only, Esme Squalor!

-Audience Claps, as Esme enters wearing a party hat, a thick coat, a pair of blue geans, and no shoes

Esme: Welcome to the "In" Show, where I talk about what's "in"! Today, I shall discuss my lovely outfit. As you can see, I'm not wearing any shoes. Shoes are not "in" anymore. They're-

-Esme is interrupted by Olaf, who enters the room-

Olaf: Esme! We're supposed to be capturing the Bauldilaires!

Esme: Olaf, dear! I'm on Live-TV!

Olaf: I couldn't care less!

Esme: What you are wearing is very out! Try wearing what I am!

-Suddenly, the three Bauldilaire Orphans enter the room

Klaus: -Looking nervous and stressed- WEAR'S THE BATHROOM?!

Olaf: Quick, Esme, let's capture them!

Esme: But it's not in to capture orphans that have to go pee-pee.

Olaf: Wear do you-

Klaus: -Interrupting Olaf by grabbing his neck- WEAR IS THE BATHROOM?!

Olaf: A-HA! Now I can capture you!

Violet: No, don't do it! He owes me five bucks!

Sunny: Dumpot (Let him go to the bathroom first)

Klaus: It's OK, I don't have to go anymore.

Olaf: AH! -Jumps away from Klaus

Esme: Oh, and Klaus, those glasses are so out! You need more "In" glasses, like what Triangle Eyes is wearing.

Klaus: Triangle Eyes? You mean that hot older girl I met in the submarine who totally digs me?

Esme: Yes, her.

-Fiona enters the room-

Fiona: Hey, Klaus!

Klaus: FIONA! I MISSED YOU! I mean, er... Hey, babe. 'Sup? -Whispers to Violet- I'm playing hard to get.

Violet: That never works with girls.

Klaus: How would you know about girls?

Olaf: LET'S CAPTURE THEM ALREADY!

Esme: But this isn't my villain hours! It's my Fashion-Show hours!

Sunny: Poo-Poo. (I'm hungry)

Klaus: Me, too. I- -Klaus can't finish, because Fiona runs up and starts making out with him-

Violet: Oh, sure... The nerd can get a date, and I can't.

Sunny: Quigley.

Violet: HE DID NOT REJECT ME!

Esme: Back to my show... If we order food, we must order something "In".

Olaf: What about McDonalds?

Esme: No... Fast-Food isn't in. Spicy Beef-Sticks are. -Throws spicy beef sticks at everyone-

Klaus: -Stops making out to eat, and takes a small bite- WOW! THESE THINGS ARE HOT! WATER!

Sunny: -After eating a whole beef stink- Wimp.

Violet: He is, isn't he? -Takes a bite- AAAAAHHHH! WATER!

Fiona: I got some vault.

Esme: NO! Vault's not in! -Burns all the Vault-

Fiona: MY BABIES! -Takes a bite of her beef stick, and fire comes out of her mouth- AAAAHHH!!!!

-Olaf and Esme eat theirs, and starts running around, screaming for water-

Sunny: Phhaw. (Older people are such wimps!) -Gets out a fake cigar, and starts reading a large book-

Announcer: This has been it for today's episode of Esme's "In"- DANG, THESE BEEF STICKS ARE SPICY! WATER!


	2. Esme: Snake Whisperer

Disclaimer: Me does not own A Series of Unfortunate Events, but me has lost several IQ points cuz of the monkeys. EVIL MONKEYS!!!

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Announcer: Welcome to Esme's "In" Show!

-Audience claps, and Esme walks in wearing pink bunny pajamas-

Esme: Welcome to my "In" show! As you can see, Bunny Costumes are very "In"!

-Klaus come up out of no wear in a pink bunny costume-

Klaus: Amen to dat, sista! -Randomly disappears in a cloud of smoke-

Esme: What's also "in" is speaking snake and being a snake, so please welcome... The Incredibly Deadly Viper! Or, his more "in" named, Ink!

-Audience claps as Ink enters the room-

Esme: So, Ink, what's it like to be a snake?

Ink: Ssss... (It's very exiting!)

Esme: I hear that you're incredibly deadly. That's very in!

Ink: Sssss (No, I'm actually harmless)

Esme: Being harmless is out!

-Ink is thrown out of the studio-

Ink: -While being thrown out- SSSSS!!!! (I know Justice Straus! I'm gonna sue you!)

Esme: Yay! Being sued is very "In"! So are very short episodes!

Announcer Dude: This has been another episode of Esme's "In" Show!


	3. Esme: Matchmaker

**Disclaimer: I do not own ASOUE, The Double Cheeseburgar Rap, The Fast Food Song, or Global Warming.**

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"Welcome to Esme's "In" Show!" said the Announcer.

Esme enters, wearing a red and green sweater.

"Why are we in quotes now?" asked an audience member.

"Because quotes are in!" said Esme.

Just then, the Hook-Handed Man came in, and started rapping.

"I'd like a double cheeseburger, please hold the lettuce!" he rapped.

"Rapping isn't in!" said Esme. "Anyway, today, we're celebrating Christmas!"

"But this is September!" said Quigley from the audience.

"Christmas is in!" screamed Esme. "Anyway, because Christmas is about love, I am going to be a Match Maker! Klaus, Fiona, Isadora... GET IN HERE!"

Klaus, Fiona, and Isadora enter the room.

"Why are we here?" asked Klaus.

"Because, I'm gonna find out which one of the girls who like you you're gonna end up with!" said Esme.

"I do not have romantic interest in him!" said Fiona.

"Neither do I!" said Isadora.

"Yeah, you do!" said Esme. "I read the book, and you're constantly patting his hand!"

"I do not constantly pat Klaus's hand!" said Isadora, as she patted Klaus's hand.

"And Fiona," said Esme, "You kissed him!"

"It was a petty kiss!" said Fiona. "He's, like... 3 years younger then me!"

"Whatever." said Esme. "Let's get started."

Esme takes hair from Klaus, Isadora, and Fiona.

"OW! What was that for?!" said Klaus.

"To find out which one you love more." said Esme.

Just then, a whole bunch of shippers enter the room.

"Klaus and Isadora!" screamed some.

"Klaus and Fiona!" screamed some others.

"Klaus and Esme!" screamed more of them.

"I can't date Klaus!" said Esme. "He's not in!"

"Violet and Quigley!"

"Violet and Duncan"

"Violet and Olaf!"

"Sunny and The Incredibly Deadly Viper!"

"Lemony and Violet!"

Then, the Shippers got out weapons, and started a war.

"Hey," asked Esme, "Where'd the Hook-Man go?

The Hook-Handed man enters wearing a Fast Food Uniform.

"A-Pizza Hut! A-Pizza Hut! Kentucky Fried Chicken, and A-Pizza Hut!" she started singing.

"Stop that!" said Esme.

"McDonalds, McDonalds!" sang Klaus.

"Ketucky Fried Chicken and a Pizza Hut!" sang Hooky and Klaus.

"Let's eat to the beat!" said Uncle Monty.

"You're dead!" said Esme

Everyone there, including the Shippers, all three Bauldilaires, the audience, and everyone who was ever on the show ignored Esme, and started singing

"I think of you,

And lick my lips!

You've got the taste I can't resist!

Let's eat to the beat!"

"This has been Esme's "In" Show!" said the Announcer, as he started singing with them.

"FAST FOOD ISN'T IN!" screamed Esme.


End file.
